Here’s Hilary Duff in a bikini (her underwear?) that to the layman might look an inspirational message to moms despite ironically employing every MySpace profile photo trick in the book – and her face being barely recognizable – but let’s not be coy, I made this happen with my mind. I envisioned it, and our reality birthed it per my command. Your weapons are useless against- FUCK ME, THAT’S A PAPER CUT! I need an ambulance!